


this plant is getting out of hands

by shxdes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Carnivorous plant, Humor, If You Squint - Freeform, Kinda, Other, Paranoia, Plants, Swearing, dave centric tbh, dave is tryna look for his friends, dave strider becomes a home designer the sequel, dave wants to get that bread yall, dave will Die for his shades ok, green - Freeform, green is bad, nothing makes sense, the bread is actually a plant, there is a lot, this came to me and it wont leave, this is a crackfic, this is stupid ok, very bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:09:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24147934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shxdes/pseuds/shxdes
Summary: dave just wanted a plant. he only wanted a plant.
Relationships: (soon) - Relationship, (well not Everyone), Dave Strider & Everyone, dave strider & plant
Kudos: 2





	this plant is getting out of hands

**Author's Note:**

> nothing here makes sense and i dont feel sorry  
> im sorry for the tags i have too much fun with them  
> ill delete most of them when i get more into the story lmao  
> enjoy ily

dave wanted to go the nursery of plants. a plant store. buy a new plant.

the urge? he had no idea. his home felt lifeless, everything seemed to continuously wilt no matter how much water you could damp the home in. his home was dry, drier than the sahara desert. if anything, dave could end up watering himself and it still wouldn't do much.

so, getting plant was far-fetched and out of the question, but the urge to get some type of greenery in the home was something he _must_ do. maybe he can find a nice plant? a small little plant he can have outside, another small one inside on the end table of the couch. he wasn't a designer, hell furniture and him do not go well together, the idea of trying to make it look nice was like asking if he could climb mount everest. 

the answer was followed with a solid, firm no.

regardless, the walk to the nusring plant store was a joyous occasion. dave hadn't gotten out of the house for a while, and the breeze was cool against his skin. kinda odd, usually the air is humid and dry. he could taste his tongue it was that dry, forever parched. for once, the weather was nice, and he could wet his tongue whenever he pleased.

even if that was a plus side of everything, it was still hot. as much as he lived in hot climate, dave dreaded going outside every single day because of it. his home was cold all the time. he liked the cold, more than anyone. it might surprise many to know a guy like dave to be interested in living colder temperatures, but it all made sense.

the walk was long and treacherous. how long has this been going for? dave swore he got out of his apartment an hour ago. why's it taking longer than it should? is he going in a complete circle? it felt like each stride he made felt as if he wasn't getting anywhere, that each step was for nothing. the breeze was the only thing keeping him able to walk this miles walk to a goddamn plant store. what the hell?

finally, after years of walking and crocodile tears, dave finally reached the sacred nursery. why do they call a plant store a nursery in the first place? what the fuck are you nursing huh? you are nursing plants! just plants! 

the store, though, looked modern, multiple windows all over so the giant gas in the sky could radiate itself off it and made you wish for the sun to leave. there were barely any clouds in the sky either. why was it a good idea to give this _plant store_ so many damn windows?! you go in for the plants, not the scenery!

dave halted in his step, his gaze was on all the windows, but his gaze fell on the small plants inside, showing off their spiky leaves and long flat leaves. he had no idea what any of these plants are called. he didn't study plants in school. he studied the blade.

but he needed a plant! a plant he shall get it!

dave walked over the the glass door and opened it with ease as he walked in. surprised by a hit in the face of arctic breeze, despite all the windows that hadn't made a dent of warmth. 

he walked around the store, looking at different plants and their different pots they're in to try to find a perfect plant to fit his apartment. a worker noticed him, and walked up to him. dave looked up at the worker, the sun's glare caught his shades making the worker squint at that. dave noticed, and looked to the side, back to the large ray of plants he was trying to find.

it was rude to not give eye contact, but the sun was ruining that politeness.

but because dave's dave, he looked right back at the worker, mentally flipping the sun off. the worker, again, squinted.

"shit sorry, my shades are glistening," dave starts, the conversation is going great.

the worker gave dave a slight glare, before sighing, as it'll be rude to ask him to take off his shades. why would you hurt him that way? "it's fine. whatcha lookin' for though?" the worker asked, ignoring the glare on the shades from the sun.

"a plant," dave replied. ain't it obvious?

"well that's obvious, but what plant are you lookin' for?" the worker repeated.

"something that goes well with a dried ass humid house that makes things wilt cause there's too much fuckin' heat." he explained, as if he did so a million times.

the worker nodded, looking at the plants dave's looking at. "these are no good, i think i have somethin' for you." they explained, "come with me," the worker begins walking.

dave blinked a few times, looking back at the plants he was originally staring at. these seemed a lot better to fit his house than whatever that pesky worker is going to give him. again, he has to be polite, he can't be rude. that was not the strider way. gotta be nice or get sliced.

dave followed the worker, to the other plants they were going to show him. they all looked much different. they looked like goddamn _rubber_. is this a scam?!

"yo what the fuck? these look fake," dave commented.

the worker glanced up at him, giving a sheepish smile. "oh no! these are real plants. some looked to be rubber."

dave rolled his eyes, staring more at the rubber plants. they soon wandered around the other plants, before he spotted one. he walked over to it. 

the worker instantly tried to stop him, but dave was too quick and ended up in front of the plant. "no! don't go near that plant! that plant is not for sale!" they exclaimed.

"i want it." 

"wh-what?"

"i said i want the plant." dave repeats himself, looking at the worker dead in the eye.

"but you- you just can't!" the worker seemed fidgety even though they seemed pretty chill before. what's wrong with this plant?

dave looked at the worker, his stare was daunting as if he actually desperately needed a plant. "you're a worker right?" the worker nodded, "i'm a customer and i want this plant." his words felt final.

the worker lowered their head, apologetically rather, before giving a small sigh. "ok. ok. fine." the worker looked up at dave, their eyes averted his, "it's a- it's a favoured plant. it's a er... carnivorous plant." the worker states, admitting that it might be a bad plant.

who cares! dave's getting a plant. he could care less what type of plant it is, but it does look huge.

"sweet," he gives a half-smile.

dave looked up at the plant, the plant did nothing but stayed put. it didn't look alive, either, he was quite grateful for. the worker didn't say anything for a price, so it's free? if it was free, that'll be great! he rather not waste his money on sudden plants because he needed some colour in his apartment, seeing the same colours every day can get a bit chaotic. or he's tired of seeing the same colours. either way, he got the plant.

dave went over to touch the plant, making sure it was real at least. then.

the plant woke up.

oh shit. oh fuck. oh god. the plant is _alive_!? dave jumped back a bit, but it was no use, the plant's "gaze" was on him. it had some kind of leaf tongue, licking at the petals. dave froze. he wasn't sure to run or to stay put. 

he heard the worker scream and run off, going about saying, "not again!" over and over again.

fucking weirdo.

dave couldn't move even if he tried, he stared up at the plant, fear was running through him but he kept his cool composure. like it was the only thing to show the plant he wasn't afraid of it, although it probably smelled fear. it probably lived off fear. why did they ask for such a terrifying plant?!

why did dave not listen to the worker that the plant was not for sale?

why did he feel like he was going to die?!

the plant unhinged its jaw, revealing the spikes of teeth, they looked sharp. they probably feel sharp too.

dave didn't want to die like this. he didn't want to die from a goddamn carnivorous plant. that'll be something on the news.

"dumb teen dies by a carnivorous plant! he didn't listen to what the worker had said, and died playing a dumbass. more at 11."

yeah, not a fun way to reveal your death to your friends.

speaking of friends, where were they?!

it's been a week now, dave hadn't gotten any messages of them. he thought they were all doing something, but it's been a week, a _week_ with no information about their whereabouts.

before dave could even get his two cents in, pitch blackness captured his vision. there was no time on trying to pick a fight, no time on struggling about letting the plant get off of him to not eat him. it happened all at once, and the plant swallowed him whole.

dave was falling..?

why was he falling?

his shades seemed to not be on his face, but falling with him. he managed to catch them before they actually did shatter. if john found out this special present of his got broken that would be the end of it.

or the end of dave.

he treasured his shades with his life. he will go down with them.

he will literally make this plant pay for destroying the world's best gift.

dave continued to fall, he was more confused on how the hell he was alive! didn't the plant eat him?! what the fuck is going on?

this falling made him feel as if he's going into alice in wonderland, the rabbit hole and continuously falling. it felt strange, felt not right. felt surreal.

then, dave landed on something. it was.. soft? huh?

he also didn't seem to get injured. he felt fine, grossed out knowing a plant swallowed him whole like he was a whole goddamn 3 course meal.

which in fact, dave was, but ask him to dinner first before you eat him, y'know?

kinda gay you ate him without confessing anything, the plant is rude. now he's in this weird place. 

is it the stomach of the plant? where the hell did he get transported to? if it was the stomach of the plant, how does a plant even have a stomach?! dave has no idea what plants do, or what they are, but he's sure plants don't have a stomach. especially a stomach this large. you can fit a football stadium in here.

after a while, dave managed to get up, he didn't want to get up, he still felt grossed out knowing he's in some weird dimension the plant threw him into.

but something about this place made him feel his friends were somewhere. something about that made him hope, just hope, they were also in the plant too. even though that sounds morbid, he didn't want to die alone in a goddamn plant.

being alone sounds too scary. he feels a bit anxious thinking about it, he slowly slipped his shades back on, thankfully, they weren't harmed in the making of this weird torment.

slowly, but steadily, dave sluggishly walked around the plant's stomach. he felt, though, eyes watching him. or at least he felt it within him. something didn't feel _right_. nothing felt right here. yet, he wanted to find his friends. with that, each step counted, even if it felt like huge weights on his legs and every step was screaming for him to stop and just settle down.

shut up legs, let dave find his friends, then you can rest. fucking manners.

dave continued walking. he kept walking. and walking. and walking.

he's basically just walking, finding absolutely nothing and all he gets to see was the insides of this plant's stomach, which, actually, looked terrifying. there was nothing inside it, except dave and his thoughts. wasn't a fun thing, actually.

soon, dave managed to make it to an area he didn't explore, the greenery was making him a bit sick actually. he regrets asking for plants. he doesn't want to see another plant ever in his life. if he gets asked to see a plant, he will ask to see your manager because no. dave strider is not getting another plant, no matter how many times you beg. you're not getting the plant. that is final.

he stopped. dave stared around the room. 

only green. only green. only green.

until.

he spotted his friends, they didn't look as sluggish and tired as he was. but again, that same feeling of things not feeling right played with him.

something wasn't ok, something felt wrong, this felt wrong.

before dave could even get a word in, he collapsed, the only words he could hear were his friends rushing over to see if he was ok.

dave didn't feel ok.

this plant is out of hands.

then.

he woke up.


End file.
